Parenting | Joseph Michael

Why Unwinding Is Essential for Both You and Your Children

by Joe Van Deuren | Apr 17, 2023 | Parenting, Self-care

Overcome Common Barriers and Relax

We all know that unwinding is good for us. After all, think how wonderful it feels to relax after a long, difficult day! There’s no better way to shed stress or ease worry. Unfortunately, though, sometimes unwinding is easier said than done.

If you’re having difficulty unwinding, it’s time for intentionality in your subsequent actions. First, look at some barriers to letting go and what you can do about them.

Current Events Have You Down

The problem with being plugged in every second of the day is we become very aware of what’s happening in the world. It can lead to many worries and stress about things happening worldwide, and it seems impossible to relax at the end of the day. The fix? Limit your media exposure. For example, make a point not to watch the news before bed or allow yourself only a certain amount of time to follow the news every day.

You Feel Like There’s Too Much to Do

The problem with being busy is that it’s always possible to get busier. While this can be great news for your business, it can wreak havoc on your ability to end the day and unwind. The fix? Create a schedule where you quit all extra activities for the day at a specific time. Then, if anything is unfinished, jot it down on tomorrow’s to-do list and let it go so you can unwind properly.

You Don’t Have Time to Unwind

This can be difficult, especially if you’re used to scheduling your day to be busy. The problem? You’re leading yourself straight to burnout. The fix? It’s pretty simple. Start planning time to unwind every day. Be strict with yourself about using it.

You Don’t Think You Deserve Time Off

Unfortunately, we were taught to be productive every minute of the day since we were children. It leads to many complicated feelings about taking time off, even to unwind at the end of the day. The fix? A reality check can do wonders here. Unwinding is a crucial part of being productive. Without rest, you can’t possibly do more later. Want to go even better? Spend time rewiring your brain to accept one straightforward truth: YOU DESERVE TIME TO YOURSELF. We all do—end of story.

All of these can be barriers for our children, too. For example, if your child’s usual way of being is interrupted, and you see changes in sleep, eating, or resting patterns, it could be that the local or world news worries them. They may need to talk and tell you how they are feeling. You may need to reassure them that you are there to keep them safe.

In today’s world, children’s schedules are packed so tight with things that we have been told are necessary to succeed. Children need time to unwind and be children. However, scheduling them with back-to-back activities or activities every evening after school is too much for many, if not all, children.

They deserve time off. They need time to unwind; they need time with you and your family; and, most importantly, they need you and family time. Even more importantly, they need you to set an example for them of what it means to be balanced in life.

Clarity about what is important to you and your family will help you choose how to spend your time. Don’t be influenced by what others tell you your child “should” do. Instead, relax, be your best self, and practice what you know is best for you and your family.

I invite you to sign up for our newsletter. It is a great way to get the Virtue of the Month and tips on relationships, parenting, and self-care. In addition, you’ll be the first to know about upcoming classes for successful families.

To sign up, visit the “Newsletter” section here on the website. Enter your email address, and you’ll receive our newsletter in your inbox on Wednesdays. I appreciate your interest in bringing out the best in your children and yourself. We look forward to keeping you informed through our newsletter!

The Art of Listening to Build Your Child’s Emotional Health

by Joe Van Deuren | Apr 7, 2023 | Parenting

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The Art of Listening to Build Your Child’s Emotional Health

Everyone, adult or child, likes to know they are being heard.

The simplest way to reach anyone’s heart, especially your child’s, is to be receptive and respectful of their feelings. This means we need to listen with compassion, even when time is short or we feel like we know what they need to do.

When they come to us with a dilemma, or they have made a mistake small or large, listening first is the best way to model compassion, courtesy, and respect. In the following thoughts, you will see how this is helpful when working with our children even if we may not agree with them. Listening is step number two in “the art of companioning”.

Listening helps you first

When you take the time to listen to your child, and their viewpoints, you are exposed to thoughts and feeling that you may not have considered before. Sometimes you may not like what you are hearing, you will be learning new things by listening. This helps expand your mind to be more accepting of their thoughts and understanding feelings.

Listening Helps You Develop Patience

As previously mentioned, being able to sit there and listen to something you may not agree with or you know you have the answer too, is difficult. You will have to have patience. And if you haven’t already developed the necessary patience for this task, just the practice of listening more often will help you to develop it. If you find you are struggling with the task, try to remember you are listening to learn something new. You can also listen with curiosity helping you to see where you need greater understanding. This will help you focus on the words and what they are saying more carefully.

You Expand Your Relationship

People love when others listen to what they have to say, it makes them feel important, even our children. When you take the time to listen to your child, even though you may not agree with what they are saying, you make them feel heard and understood. And this can help you connect with your child in a new way.

The Top Five Traits of a Good Listener

We mentioned that becoming a good listener is the second step in the “art of companioning”. The first step is asking an open ended question like, “What is happening?” Open ended questions allow the other person to speak from their heart. Then we need to listen with patience.

When listening to your child, we want to show empathy, but do so without taking on their feelings. In other words the key is not to over or under react to what they are saying. When a child is willing to open up to us all they really want is to be heard. Here are some ways to be that great listener.

1. When listening to your child, your goal should be to understand their point of view. Listen to everything they say before forming your own opinion or asking probing questions. , You do not necessarily have to agree with them, just understand them. Everyone deserves, and should form, their own opinions on various topics.

2. Paying attention is the next trait. If you don’t pay attention you will miss out on important information, or even physical cues. Always be aware of what is going on with the person who is speaking, and don’t forget to pay attention to their clues. Notice if they are holding their stomach or if you see tears. These are signs that can be furthered explored.

3. The action of making eye contact with the person who is speaking, shows them that you are paying attention. If you start looking around you, you are giving them the impression that you are not interested, or have become bored.

4. Your goal as you listen is to support, not rescue, distract, or advise. Your child has the capability to come to answers for their own situation. As a parent, when you listen in this way – and use the “art of companioning” – you are teaching your child to look inside themselves and find their awareness of the best answer.

5. Allow the person to finish talking. A young Maltese priest once said, “When you think you have been silent enough, be silent a little more.” This often takes a little patience, but it can be helpful for both sides. First the person has time to put their thoughts together and can vent their opinions, frustrations, and feelings. Many times as they speak a child is also measuring your response. They do this, to decide how much more information they are willing to give. Then of course, using your patience helps you to fully understand the issues.

A good listener will also think before responding back. Sometimes parents have the trait of speaking before thinking or hearing everything, and this can lead to all kinds of awkward or difficult situations. To help your child or the other person the most, calls for asking questions that zero in on the feelings. These many times feel like general questions, but they are intended to help the child “empty their cup”.

It is perfectly normal for your brain to want to respond quickly. Stop yourself and think before you speak! When you do ask questions, ask what and how questions and eliminate the why questions. Most of the time none of us know why – we just know how we feel. Until the child believes we know how they feel, they will not be willing to give other details.

Now the simple things we all know. It can be hard to stay focused on a person, it is normal to want to look away, especially if they are taking a long time to express themselves. If you find yourself doing this try nodding to the person or making direct eye contact with them. This signals to them that you are paying attention. Other tips that you might want to use to show that you are paying attention include:

· A simple verbal expression

· Use facial expressions

· Use body language

If you make an effort to put these five traits into play consistently, you will become a much better listener for it. Your relationship with your child will grow stronger, as will their emotional health.

Later this summer I look forward to releasing an online course titled “Virtues & The Four C’s of Successful Families”. One of the C’s – Communication – is where we will be going in great detail on companioning our children so they discover their wisdom and discernment that is in line with individual family values and vision.

I invite you to sign up for our newsletter. It is a great way to get the Virtue of the Month and tips on relationships, parenting, and self-care. In addition, you’ll be the first to know about upcoming classes for successful families.

To sign up, visit the “Newsletter” section here on the website.

7 Techniques You Can Use to Help Your Child Unwind

by Joe Van Deuren | Apr 3, 2023 | Parenting

Help Your Child Unwind

Have you ever had a great day with your family only to find your child isn’t quite ready for the fun to be over when bedtime comes around? And you are! In fact, you are more prepared than they are! Simply put, sometimes the world is just too fun to let go, meaning that now that the younger family members are so wound up, you, as a parent, know it will be a long night.

What if you could help your child unwind after even the best or most exciting day so they could quickly fall asleep at a reasonable hour? Don’t you believe it? Then, try these techniques and see what happens. These practices with your child may be great for both of you.

Physical activity: Take a walk. A little exercise can go a long way toward unwinding. It will help them burn off a little energy in a controlled manner. The best part of walking, though, is that you get to unwind right along with them. You might be surprised to find out you need this downtime every bit as much as they do.

Relaxation Techniques: Practice deep breathing. Encourage your child to take deep breaths, inhaling slowly and exhaling through the mouth. This can help reduce stress and anxiety and promote relaxation. Take a warm bath. A warm bath can help your child relax their muscles and ease tension. Add calming essential oils, such as lavender, to the water for an extra soothing effect. Soft music or ambient sounds designed for bedtime or relaxation might help them to unwind further.

Screen-free time: Limit your child’s screen time and encourage them to engage in activities such as reading or drawing. Your child might enjoy drawing or writing about their day as part of remembering it. Or if they’re not old enough to be this articulate or want to be creative, you can give them some clay or other art materials and let them create whatever they feel like.

Stretching or yoga: Gentle stretching or yoga poses can help your child release tension and calm their mind. Try simple poses like the downward-facing dog, child’s, or butterfly poses.

Mindful meditation: Encourage your child to focus on the present moment and let go of any worries or distractions. You can use guided meditation apps or have them focus on their breath for a few minutes.

Snuggle time: Spending some quiet time snuggling with your child can be comforting and relaxing for both of you. It can be a time to talk about the day, share stories, and connect emotionally.

Bedtime routine: Even if you’re going to bed later than usual, following your typical bedtime routine will help them wind down and slip into the idea that it’s time to go to bed. It’s vital to follow portions of this routine even if you’re late, as your child already has a strong connection with it, and you want to disturb this process of unwinding as little as possible.

Overall, finding what works best for your child and their individual needs is essential. Every child is unique, and what works for one child may not work for another. Experiment with different techniques and find what helps your child unwind and relax the most. Choose what they’re naturally inclined to do. Some kids process better through talk, others through physical activity. Learn what works best for your child and go from there.

I invite you to sign up for our newsletter. It is a great way to get the Virtue of the Month and tips on relationships, parenting, and self-care. In addition, you’ll be the first to know about upcoming classes for successful families.

To sign up, visit the “Newsletter” section here on the website. Enter your email address, and you’ll receive our newsletter in your inbox on Wednesdays. I appreciate your interest in bringing out the best in your children and yourself. We look forward to keeping you informed through our newsletter!

Lessons Learned from a Crisis

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 31, 2023 | Parenting, Self-care

Lessons Learned from a Crisis

Have you found yourself and your family in a challenging situation that is difficult to cope with and is causing stress? It becomes even harder when there are no easy answers or apparent sources of support.

It could be something totally out of the blue, like a death in the family, a fire in your house, or losing a job. It could also have some good parts, like winning the lottery or being asked to move for a better job.

Anytime family structure or situations change, there can be challenges with stress. Getting married, having children, starting a new school year, and retiring seem like regular life events. Still, there are adjustments and rearrangements of roles and responsibilities.

So, while a family crisis is naturally stressful, it is more easily dealt with when everyone has clarity about family values and consistently develops their virtues in a balanced way. Communicating openly and honestly with trust in each other’s support is also helpful in overcoming the immediate situation.

Also helpful is accepting the hardship, using your energy to meet the challenge, and figuring out your options to move forward. Don’t blame each other; be patient and manage your stress. There will always be something you can do to keep some areas of your life as normal as possible. Remain optimistic, acknowledge each other’s strengths, and express your appreciation and love for family members. All of these are good reminders, but there is even more we can do as the crisis eases or is past the critical stage.

There is now an opportunity to gain valuable knowledge and insight from experiencing and handling a crisis. While the experience is often a significant challenge, there can be a silver lining to every crisis: You can emerge from the other side with greater clarity about the essential lessons you’ve learned that can benefit you in future situations. Here are ten lessons learned from a crisis.

Lesson 1. You learn more about your true strengths and where they lie.

Until you are at the forefront of a crisis, you don’t understand how it feels to be the “in charge” person of the moment. People may turn to you during a tense, stressful crisis for guidance or advice. When you are suddenly responsible for mitigating an emergency, you may find yourself acting in new and unexpected ways.

Crises put our bodies into “fight or flight” mode. Often, when you are the person who must step in to handle the situation, the “flight” option is gone–with others depending on you and watching you, the opportunity to run away is gone. When you decide to “fight” or take action, the stress of a crisis can bring out some previously unknown talents and strengths as your mind and body work together to get you through the problem.

Lesson 2. You can discover where different areas of your daily life need improvements.

As you analyze a crisis once it’s ended, you can spot different areas of your daily life that need improvements. Unfortunately, people often only recognize problem areas once they have to handle them during a stressful crisis. Those problem areas are extra prominent amid the chaos when you’re ultra-stressed.

For example, if you’re having issues with your partner, they may be manageable until you’re both flung into a crisis. Then, your arguments and fighting may become insufferable during all that extra stress. After the problem ends, you can evaluate the relationship and see where improvements are needed.

Lesson 3. You become more aware of yourself and others in your personal space.

A crisis sets people on edge. Family members can experience increased vulnerability, anxiety, and confusion. The stress of everything happening so suddenly is frightening and startling–often, a crisis arises with little to no warning.

After one of these “surprise” crises, you learn a valuable lesson in self-awareness. By being more aware of yourself and the people around you, you can often detect changes and potential new crises emerging.

Lesson 4. You appreciate the little things in life a little bit more.

After a crisis rocks your world to its core, you learn to appreciate the little things in life more. Previous superficial desires (like having the fanciest car or buying the nicest house) fall to the wayside during a crisis. After the situation ends, you’ll appreciate your life’s more minor yet priceless aspects, such as relationships.

Lesson 5. You learn to treat people with a little extra empathy, kindness, and grace.

One of the best resources during a crisis is other people who care and want to help. After your problem ends, you can remember how nice it is to have a kind person on your side. Use that memory to remind yourself to be kind to others experiencing crises. When someone treats you unkindly, you can ask yourself, “I wonder what they are going through?” or “What is happening to them right now?”

Lesson 6. You develop an understanding of what’s truly most important in your life.

A crisis sheds a lot of light on life’s most important aspects. When facing an emergency, many of life’s other little struggles and worries tend to fade away so you can focus on handling the crisis. After a problem subsides, consider what was most important during the most challenging parts of your life, and remember to treasure those parts of your life most.

Lesson 7. You develop a keener sense of preparedness.

Future crises can be avoided (or, at the very least, softened) with some preparedness. Coming out of a predicament you weren’t prepared for, you learn to become a “prepper,” or someone who plans for potential future issues.

Lesson 8. You learn to spend more time caring for your mental health.

You are your own most significant asset. After handling a crisis, you learn a valuable lesson in mental health awareness. Caring for yourself and your mental health is vital since you depend on yourself so much, including getting through life’s most demanding situations. Use this lesson to spend time caring for your mental health–you will feel better and set yourself up for success in a future crisis.

Lesson 9. You develop more of a “big picture” outlook on life.

After a crisis, reflect on what happened during the main event. Often, you’ll discover that many different things were happening during the central turmoil—it may even seem like lots of tiny crises were happening concurrently.

This experience, while unpleasant, can help you approach a future crisis with a “big picture” outlook, meaning you’re paying attention to multiple aspects of a situation at once.

Instead of focusing solely on the crisis, you’ll be able to maintain some attention on other important things without totally neglecting other aspects of your life during an emergency. Unfortunately, when something terrible happens, other parts of life don’t stop–keeping this “big picture” awareness will help you maintain some balance.

Lesson 10. You carry away a unique lesson that will help you handle (or even avoid) a similar crisis in the future.

Being in crisis mode is awful. But, no matter the crisis, you can exit each situation with a new lesson learned and take that knowledge forward with you. So, at the end of every problem, evaluate the events.

Ask yourself what you experienced, what those experiences taught you, and how you can use that information in a future similar situation.

Use your time now and after difficult times to strengthen family ties, communicate with clarity your family values, and encourage each other as you work to develop the virtues you aspire to. Do things together as a family, plan for fun things and the future, and use your family meetings to appreciate and acknowledge the good in each other as well as solve minor issues. Focus on what you want for your family while using the lessons you have learned from the crisis to grow yourself.

I invite you to sign up for our newsletter. It is a great way to get the Virtue of the Month and tips on relationships, parenting, and self-care. In addition, you’ll be the first to know about upcoming classes for successful families.

To sign up, visit the “Newsletter” section here on the website. Enter your email address, and you’ll receive our newsletter in your inbox on Wednesdays. I appreciate your interest in bringing out the best in your children and yourself. We look forward to keeping you informed through our newsletter!

Building a Strong Family Support System

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 27, 2023 | Parenting, Relationships

5 Tips for Building a Strong Family Support System

When you’re part of a family, you’re supposed to be there for each other. Sadly, real life doesn’t look much like it does on TV. Heartfelt conversations followed by a laugh track with a heavy ‘awwww’ at the perfect moment when people really connect are a creation of Hollywood writers looking to emulate what people wish life would be. It just doesn’t happen this way in real life. Or does it?

Well, the reality might not be sitcom perfect. A strong family support system doesn’t have to be an impossible goal. In fact, it’s a lot simpler than you might imagine. You start with these five tips:

Show Gratitude

This is one of the earliest lessons we teach our kids: Always say “please” and “thank you.” Showing gratitude is a way of saying you notice the effort and appreciate it. Please note: kids who hear this from their parents are more likely to say it themselves.

Put in the Time

Not everyone has a lot of time to spend with their kids. Today, even children have complicated schedules filled with lessons and activities. Add to this a busy work schedule for mom and dad, and it’s hard to make time just to spend with each other. By making sure quality time is spent in connecting and playing, you build closer family bonds, which in turn strengthens the family support system.

Talk to Each Other

Perhaps one of the biggest problems families have is in the area of communication. While everyone, parents, and children both are anxious to talk and make their points known, not much listening goes on. By practicing better listening skills and learning how to respect what the other person says, even when disagreeing, you create a space safe for discussion.

Problem Solving

How are you at creatively finding solutions to the issues which come up in the family? By encouraging the family to work together on these difficulties, you build teamwork and a mutual interest in the things which crop up in family life, which are sometimes difficult to solve.

Teamwork

Your family will help you keep on track even as you help them to reach their own goals. When you celebrate together when things go right, and yes, commiserate when things go wrong, you teach your children you’re in this together. No matter what!

A strong family support system begins with the parents. What you do now will impact the support system your children have today and the support systems they seek for themselves in the future. Help show them the way that you might all succeed together.

The Four C’s of Successful Families

Clarity – is all about knowing your roles, expectations, values, and vision you have for your family

Communication – How you communicate in a clear and convincing manner so everyone in the family is on the same page.

Consistency – Is all about how you make family and personal choices. So much easier when you put into practice the tips we give.

Community – Surrounding yourself with others that share similar values and who are interested in bringing out the best in everyone around them.

I invite you to sign up for our newsletter. It is a great way to get the Virtue of the Month and tips on relationships, parenting, and self-care. In addition, you’ll be the first to know about upcoming classes for successful families.

To sign up, visit the “Newsletter” section here on the website. Enter your email address, and you’ll receive our newsletter in your inbox on Wednesdays. I appreciate your interest in bringing out the best in your children and yourself. We look forward to keeping you informed through our newsletter!

Raising an Assertive Daughter

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 24, 2023 | Parenting

A Parents Guide for Raising an Assertive Daughter

Some time ago, a parent asked me how to stop her daughter from being bossy. While no one likes the idea of bossiness in our kids, we want our children to develop their assertiveness, especially our daughters.

The mom who asked me about her daughter just needed to see her daughter as overdeveloping her assertiveness – not having learned yet how to communicate with tact, kindness, and courtesy while still standing up for herself. So, yes, we want our daughters to be assertive when they are 16 and on a date, 20 and in college, or 25 years of age with suggestions at a company meeting.

Today’s society does not always encourage assertiveness, especially in young women. So early in life, they may learn to shrink back and not speak up.

Studies show that women still face double standards. For example, while men are admired for being outspoken in the workplace, women are more likely to be seen as unlikeable or abrasive. As a parent, you can help your child walk the line between being bossy and passive. Try these suggestions for raising an assertive daughter.

Building Confidence:

Understand your needs. Self-awareness is the first lesson to give your child. Before communicating with others, they must know and accept themselves. Talk about their feelings and values.
Advocate for yourself. Encourage her independence. Be there for support, but let her try to speak up for herself. She’ll be more prepared to deal with peer pressure now and adult dilemmas later.
Ask for help. Practice in manageable situations. She might ask a restaurant server to leave the pickles off her hamburger or go to her teacher for a more detailed explanation of an assignment.
Take risks. Honor your daughter for showing courage and learning from experience. Then, coach her to evaluate the pros and cons and deal with the consequences.
Be authentic. Could you help her feel valued and important? Notice and acknowledge her talents and achievements. Spend one-on-one time with her, sharing her interests and discussing her goals.
Think positive. A cheerful outlook will make your daughter stronger and more resilient. Remind each other about how much you have to be grateful for. Enjoy family dinners and do volunteer work together as a family.

Showing Consideration and Respect for Others:

1. Listen attentively. Assertiveness means having regard for others and yourself, which starts with listening skills. Take turns reading books to each other and discussing the details. Turn off your phone to spend more time engaging in face-to-face conversations.

2. Cultivate patience. What seems like disrespectful behavior could mean your child has trouble waiting. Make rules for younger kids, like no talking when you’re on the phone. Then, as they age, you can explain the benefits of delaying gratification.

3. Work as a team. Promote cooperation and collaboration at home. Give your child age-appropriate tasks and invite them to participate in family decisions. It may also help to sign them up for team sports and other organized activities.

4. Resolve conflicts. Assertiveness can prevent some disagreements and make the rest easier to handle. Guide your child to express themselves calmly and look for mutually satisfactory solutions.

Other Tips:

1. Be a role model. You’re a powerful influence in your child’s life. Demonstrate the choices you want them to make. Treat yourself and others with kindness and respect.

2. Target key areas. It’s common for children and adults to be assertive in some areas of their lives while struggling in others. Be alert for where your child needs the most support.

3. Keep at it. Research has found that girls’ confidence drops about 30% between the ages of 8 and 14. Make assertiveness training an ongoing activity to keep up with any changes.

4. Have fun. It’s easier for your child to learn if you make the lessons enjoyable. Try role-playing and use popular movies and books to reinforce your message.

Knowing how to stand up for herself can help your daughter to reduce stress, strengthen relationships, and reach her personal and professional goals. In addition, as a parent, you can provide a safe place for her to practice her assertiveness skills early and often.

Our newsletter is a great way to get the Virtue of the Month and tips on relationships, parenting, and self-care. In addition, you’ll be the first to know about upcoming classes for successful families.

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