Good Advice from Grandma

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 20, 2023 | Parenting

Good Advice From Grandma

There is something special about grandmothers.

These matriarchs have backbones of steel with the gentleness of a dove. They have a knack for fun and imparting words of wisdom that last a lifetime.

Here are some life lessons that Grandma might have passed on to you:

1. Stay Tidy and Organized

Keeping your home clean, tidy and organized is timeless advice. A devotion to cleanliness isn’t just about surprise guests popping in, there are many benefits to an organized household. These benefits include less stress, more motivation and productivity.

2. Be On Time

Show others you respect their time by arriving on time, or even a little bit early. Besides being polite, it also allows you to pull yourself together and be ready for the meeting, appointment, or visit.

3. Treat Others as They Want to Be Treated

Be flexible in your approach with people. Different people might require a slightly different approach. They will appreciate the effort, and you will sharpen your people skills.

4. Love Yourself

Everyone has their struggles, but never forget to love yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a loved one. Skip the negative self-talk and forget trying to be someone else. You are your own person, and that person is pretty special!

5. Bad Times Will Come – And They Will Pass

Nothing lasts forever, even the bad times in life. Acknowledge that you will face hard times, but they will not last. Take time to lick your wounds, but eventually you will need to put your chin up and move forward.

6. Good Manners Don’t Cost You a Dime

Using good manners doesn’t cost anything and brings harmony to your relationships. Remember to say “Please” and “Thank You” and, in general, be considerate of those around you.

7. Stay Firm in Your Convictions

While you should strive to be pleasant and polite, that doesn’t mean that you let people walk all over you. Stay firm to your convictions. Don’t let people make you feel like your core values and beliefs are wrong.

8. Don’t Be Afraid to Fail

Lessons are found in your perceived failures. If you succeed at everything, you risk learning nothing. So go out and fail at something, learn the lesson, and become a better person. You will be more apt to reach your goals, too.

9. Family (And Friends) First

Make family and friends a priority. A strong social circle gives you a firm foundation for success. In bad times, and good, these are the people you will turn to. Make sure to foster powerful relationships, by ‘giving’ as much as you ‘take’.

FAST-ACTION STEPS

1. Call a close relative. Have dinner with them, strengthen that relationship, and glean all the wisdom you can.

2. Look at your upcoming appointments for the week. Set a reminder to leave ten minutes earlier than you normally would.

3. Clean and declutter your house. (Remember: making an effort is more important than perfection.) You deserve a home that is welcoming and relaxing.

Five Thought Habits Used by Optimists

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 17, 2023 | Parenting, Virtues

Thinking Habits of an Optimist

If you are trying to change your thinking methods, consider making your thoughts mirror those of an optimist. But this can be easier said than done. Here are five examples of thought habits used by optimists that you can employ in your own life on your journey to become more optimistic.

Knowing Everything Happens For A Reason

If you think someone is an optimist because nothing ever goes wrong in their life, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Optimists tend to experience just as much hardship as people who can be classified as pessimists. The difference is that optimists know that everything in life happens for a reason, so when something terrible does happen, they aren’t thrown off and instead resolve to take the problem in stride.

Optimists Know They Are Never Given More Than They Can Handle

Besides knowing that everything happens for a reason, optimists also see that they are never thrown more than they can handle. So instead of breaking down and crying because something is “just too much to bear,” they get to work at conquering the roadblock they’ve encountered immediately.

Happiness is a Choice

Many people are misled into thinking you must find or earn happiness. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Happiness always has been, and always will be, a choice, and optimists know this. So even if they are experiencing tough times, or perhaps life isn’t going their way, an optimist will find something in their life to be happy about. They will focus on that instead of the bad parts, which helps them stay optimistic.

Nothing Is Permanent Unless You Want It To Be

Another thought process that helps optimists stay optimistic is that they know nothing in life is permanent unless they make it a permanent fixture. If you feel you will always be sad or alone, this is because you have chosen to be sad and alone.

Optimists always choose to change their lives to increase their happiness and work towards the success they desire. And when they find something, they want to keep in their life, such as warm feelings and good health, they do their best to work positively towards keeping those thoughts in their mind.

You Are The Only One Who Can Dictate Your Life

No matter what may happen, you must know you are in control. This means nothing can affect you or hurt you unless you let it. If you don’t want to let the fact that you lost your job get you down, it won’t.

If you don’t want to spend time with someone who is negative and brings you down, cut them out. The optimist knows in their mind that they are the creators of their own destiny and have complete control over everything that may happen in their lifetime.

Thinking like an optimist isn’t easy, but once you’ve changed your thinking habits, you’ll be well on your way to becoming more optimistic. Start by knowing that everything happens for a reason and that no matter how bad it is, you are never given more in life than you can handle.

Don’t forget that happiness is always a choice; nothing is permanent, and you are in control. “If you want something to happen, it will”; if you make that statement part of your thinking habits, you will become an optimist.

The virtue of Optimism is described here on our 100 Virtues page – Optimism

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3 Reasons Kids Seek Extra Validation& What To Do About It

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 3, 2023 | Parenting

When you have children, you’ll notice they seem to need a lot of validation. This can be considered part of the growing process. As they explore the world, it’s good to receive reassurance that they’re doing well and their efforts are seen. Occasionally though, you’ll find your children might go through periods where they seek more validation than normal. What’s with that?

Have They Been Getting Too Much Validation Lately?

Sometimes we get a little over-eager in our praise. While it’s natural to be excited about your child’s accomplishments, making a really big deal out of everyone can lead to unhealthy expectations. When this happens, the child will build up an expectation they need to be validated whenever they do anything.

How can you help? Try easing back a little. Choose your moments to give over-the-top praise carefully. The rest of the time? A hug or a quiet word of praise is sufficient.

Has Something Gone Wrong Recently?

If your child put a lot of effort into something and fell flat, they might be feeling a little uncertain right now. When this happens, they seek your praise as reassurance, hoping you’ll give them back whatever they lost in their failure.

How can you help? Talk to them about what happened. Let them know everyone sometimes fails and remind them what’s important is – they tried hard. Show them how they have already learned from the experience and talk about trying again.

What Have You Been Doing?

Kids will often seek attention when they feel like they don’t have yours. Is it possible you’ve been extra busy lately or spending too much time on your phone when the kids were around? You might not think so, but try to see yourself through their eyes.

How can you help? Instead of validation, what your child needs is for you to be there in the moment with them. You don’t necessarily need to go and arrange special time with your child. Instead, focus on giving your child more of your undivided attention. How about a no-phone rule at dinner or making a point of setting aside the tech when they’re talking to you, so they know you’re really listening?

While this list doesn’t begin to represent every instance your child might be seeking extra validation, it should at least give you some ideas about unraveling what’s going on when they do. The key to handling any situation is the same: dig a little deeper to understand why your child is feeling insecure and address this instead. You’ll both feel better about it.

Want to learn more about the difference between praise & encouragement? Get an enlarged version of this article with details on how to give the gift of encouragement vs the reward of praise. Your child will feel encouraged to believe in themselves and become self-motivated.

5 Traits That Characterize Self-Discipline

by Joe Van Deuren | Aug 12, 2022 | Parenting

Practicing Self-Discipline Brings Great Results

Discipline is a term people toss around a lot. But what is it exactly? Is it the ability to control your impulses? The ability to focus on complex tasks even when you don't feel like it? Or maybe the ability to adhere to rules and guidelines even if you don't like them?

When it comes to adults or children these are all essential skills. So what are the tell-tale signs that you or your child are developing this virtue that you already have within you more fully and in a balanced way.

Here are five character traits to look for as you or your child are develop self-discipline.

Self-Control

You can illustrate self-control with the ability to delay gratification. Anyone who can do that is likely to be considered self-disciplined.

One example would be of someone with a short temper. It may feel good to them to react quickly and without thought. They may tend to lash out at others and yell at them. But when they are able to control their reactions and respond thoughtfully they are demonstrating self-discipline.

A Strong Sense of Morality or Ethics

A self-disciplined person has values and standards which they follow. They live by those values both in public and in the privacy of their home. If they are a child, their parents trust their behavior to live up to the standards of their family. When a child is at school or the parent is at work or in other situations, they hold themselves to the standards, rules and values – if when they don’t like them.

Self-Motivation

This trait describes the ability of an individual to initiate tasks. Disciplined persons tend to take the initiative and try things on their own. And they don’t give up easily on activities that they find challenging to complete.

A person with self-discipline doesn’t need constant reminders or nagging from parents or employers, because they can motivate themselves. A self-motivated person strives for excellence, regardless of any incentives they might receive. Such children take action because they find pleasure in doing the right thing, not because they can get something, but rather because it is the right thing to do.

Resilience

This trait is a quality that allows people to bounce back from adversity and move through challenges. Self-disciplined persons don’t give up easily, even when things get tough. Resilience shows itself when we have the ability to withstand failure and hardship but remain optimistic and motivated for success.

A famous example of resilience is Thomas Edison. His approach to the invention of the light bulb was that he would not give up until he found a solution. In one interview, he stated that the light bulb was not a result of 1,000 failures – it resulted from 1,000 steps.

Developing self-discipline helps us to keep moving forward despite failures.

Joyfulness

Self-discipline is the key to success and joyfulness (happiness) We all want to be happy and every parent wants their children to be happy. However, if we seek happiness for ourselves or our children over personal discipline we will actually be undermining the development of self-discipline.

If a child always gets what he wants when he wants it, he forms a habit of asking for more, even if he doesn’t need it. This action may give him an incredible feeling of satisfaction in the short term, but it could lead to trouble later.

It’s no wonder that self-disciplined individuals tend to be happy. Why? Because whenever they encounter a challenge, they can rise above it and accomplish their goals. Self-disciplined adults feel a satisfaction in their life. Self-disciplined children grow into happy adults.

In Conclusion

Discipline is an essential quality. Without discipline, there is a waste of time in unproductive pursuits that don’t develop the necessary habits to create success later on in life.

It’s crucial to instill a sense of self-discipline in children. It helps them develop the habits that will make them successful throughout their lives.

How The “Hero’s Journey” Can Teach Your Kids About Resilience

by Joe Van Deuren | May 19, 2022 | Parenting

Kids need heroes. Someone who is going to inspire them and offer a moral compass. Someone who is going to be a powerful role-model. A character who shows that life is an adventure that comes with troubles and hardships, enemies and danger, but always ends well. As long as the hero doesn’t give up, the victory is possible.

As Albert Einstein said, “You never fail until you stop trying.”

Every good movie, book, or story typically has one myth in the middle – a myth called “The Hero’s Journey” that was introduced by Joseph Campbell in his book “The Hero with A Thousand Faces.”

The author aims to show to us that adventures world-famous heroes are facing aren’t far from what we’re going through in our present life, each day.

Understanding this will support you and your child to be more persistent, patient, and resilient, just like Simba, Hercules, Luke Skywalker, and Batman.

The hero’s journey usually consists of 12 steps which could be divided into 3 major stages:

The first stage. This stage starts with the hero’s separation from his ordinary life. This separation happens because the hero’s boring life has been challenged by a call or invitation to adventure.
- As stepping out of one’s comfort zone is not easy, the hero hesitates at first and decides to refuse the invitation.
- Soon enough, he regrets that decision and then comes across someone wise and inspiring who becomes his mentor. Once the hero feels supported and guided, he is ready to take the journey.
The second stage. As the journey unfolds, trials, challenges and difficulties are rising. One is more difficult than the other.
1. This part carries the most significance for learning that resilience is a necessary part of any successful adventure and life in general.
2. When the hero endures uncomfortable and painful tests and faces the strongest enemies, they often find new ways of solving challenges and adopt many shifts in mindset.
The third and final stage. Steps in this stage include: reward, the road back home, the final test, and return home.
1. After many battles and obstacles, the hero finally returns to their former life. From the outside, everything seems to be the same, yet it all feels very different.
2. This is because the hero has changed and transformed through the journey.

Helping your child to understand the hero’s journey within a movie, cartoon, or fairytale is a fantastic way to help them develop a moral compass of integrity, resilience, and compassion.

This kind of storytelling contains some major resilience-forming ideas:

Helps children understand the importance of individual strengths
Introduces the benefits of learning from mistakes
Empowers children to make decisions
Recognizes the importance of being open to support
Promotes qualities such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness
Demonstrates how behaviors affect others
Stresses the importance of generosity
Helps kids understand that life’s events aren’t random
Teaches the importance of discipline in life

Your children will face massive change through their life, just like you did. Through that change they will gain greater insight into their identity and capabilities.

The sooner they find out that life carries trials, tests, and difficulties, the better equipped they will be to face them.

With morally balanced and highly accountable heroes in your child’s immediate surroundings, your child learns to embrace change in life as they embark on their own wonderful journeys and adventures.

Where do hero’s come from?

Hero’s come from those in your community. Individuals in your life, family members, community members, those that you surround yourself all have stories and examples of resilience. But most important of all the question is:

Are you ready to become that hero for your child?

You the parent will always be the most important hero in your child’s life. Are you ready to become that hero for your child?

Start by identifying your current reality, recognizing the changes you need to make, and then make them so that you become a better version of yourself and a greater role-model of resilience for your child.

Get the checklist – “Help your Child to Become More Resilient”. As a bonus you will also get “Six Ways Failure Can be Your Friend”.

Resilience is one of the most important virtues you can help your child develop, and I promise you that as you draw this virtue from them, you will get stronger too.

Introduction to Four C’s of Successful Families

by Joe Van Deuren | Aug 17, 2021 | Parenting, Relationships

You have heard me speak of the Four C’s of Successful Families in the Virtues Pick we do each day. I do not know if there are truly any new ideas in this framework, however I am hopeful that the way this is presented will be helpful to families and individuals as they live their best lives and raise their children to be safe, healthy, successful, and happy.

Clarity

The Four C’s start with Clarity. Clarity is all about knowing ourselves, what is important to us as individuals and for our family. Clarity identifies the values we desire to live up to, the virtues we have developed well and those that we are working to attain, to balance in our life.

In the family, Clarity is also being proactive in naming what the virtues look like or what behaviors demonstrate those virtues for you and your family. Staying in a positive mode we are not creating a long list of rules, but Clarity does require that we know what our non-negotiable boundaries are and how we wish for the virtues to be demonstrated by ourselves and family members, and what the consequences are for not doing so. One of the ways that Clarity is maintained is by creating a vision and mission statement for your family. This becomes your family Constitution that you live by, make decisions and choices with and govern your life.

Communication

The second C is for Communication. As an individual I may know how I want to be treated, what virtues are critical to the success of my family, however if I do not share it with others effectively and get agreement on family values, we are going to come off as a dictator in our home. (No one likes a dictator)

Therefore, communication is about how to use language so we can appreciate, acknowledge, guide, and correct family members in an effective manner. Communicating on a regular basis about the important things for our family that leads to successful and happy members requires using family meeting times, both formal and informal. Doing so will help us to resolve conflicts, plan fun events, keep everyone on the same calendar, and discuss anything that comes up in typical family life with respect for everyone’s input.

Knowing how to talk to our children, especially when they are struggling with living the virtues they have inside themselves is critical to them learning to make decisions and motivate themselves intrinsically. In the discussions about communication there are many suggestions to help your family keep the lines of communication open throughout your family life for years to come.

Consistency

The third C is Consistency. With any practice we have, consistency is important to long-term success. Consistency in a family including how to discipline, boundaries, beliefs, routines, rituals, and family meetings. There are simple steps we can take when we are determined to be consistent in these areas. Schedules and calendars of course help in the day-to-day activities along with discussions about schedules at your family meeting.

Consistency with discipline and boundaries are one of the big areas that many struggle with – but can be overcome with the activities that are suggested in the first and second C, Clarity and Communication. When we are sure about what is important to us, what our personal goals are, what we want for our children and are communicating them well, often, and with love and respect, consistency will be much easier.

Community

The Fourth C is Community. Everything and everyone that we surround ourselves and our family with make up our community. Our community can be an asset to our family or if we do not pay attention to our community it can end up being harmful to the family. It is critical to examine our community for what it is contributing to our family.

Conclusion

We have spent time focusing on the Four C’s in Successful Families, but honestly these same Four C’s are helpful in every part of life. They can be applied to children, young adults for laying out their life , businesses, employers and employees, married, single – no matter who you are or what you want to do, if you practice Exploring and finding Clarity, Communicating Clearly, Being Consistent in your chosen actions and surrounding yourself with a Community of support and upbuilding, you will find success.

Is there one of the Four C’s that is a struggle? I am available for private coaching to help you become effective in any or all of these areas so that your family can be Safe, Healthy, Successful, & Happy!

Contact me for a free discovery session.

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