by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 3, 2023 | Parenting
When you have children, you’ll notice they seem to need a lot of validation. This can be considered part of the growing process. As they explore the world, it’s good to receive reassurance that they’re doing well and their efforts are seen. Occasionally though, you’ll find your children might go through periods where they seek more validation than normal. What’s with that?
Have They Been Getting Too Much Validation Lately?
Sometimes we get a little over-eager in our praise. While it’s natural to be excited about your child’s accomplishments, making a really big deal out of everyone can lead to unhealthy expectations. When this happens, the child will build up an expectation they need to be validated whenever they do anything.
How can you help? Try easing back a little. Choose your moments to give over-the-top praise carefully. The rest of the time? A hug or a quiet word of praise is sufficient.
Has Something Gone Wrong Recently?
If your child put a lot of effort into something and fell flat, they might be feeling a little uncertain right now. When this happens, they seek your praise as reassurance, hoping you’ll give them back whatever they lost in their failure.
How can you help? Talk to them about what happened. Let them know everyone sometimes fails and remind them what’s important is – they tried hard. Show them how they have already learned from the experience and talk about trying again.
What Have You Been Doing?
Kids will often seek attention when they feel like they don’t have yours. Is it possible you’ve been extra busy lately or spending too much time on your phone when the kids were around? You might not think so, but try to see yourself through their eyes.
How can you help? Instead of validation, what your child needs is for you to be there in the moment with them. You don’t necessarily need to go and arrange special time with your child. Instead, focus on giving your child more of your undivided attention. How about a no-phone rule at dinner or making a point of setting aside the tech when they’re talking to you, so they know you’re really listening?
While this list doesn’t begin to represent every instance your child might be seeking extra validation, it should at least give you some ideas about unraveling what’s going on when they do. The key to handling any situation is the same: dig a little deeper to understand why your child is feeling insecure and address this instead. You’ll both feel better about it.
Want to learn more about the difference between praise & encouragement? Get an enlarged version of this article with details on how to give the gift of encouragement vs the reward of praise. Your child will feel encouraged to believe in themselves and become self-motivated.
by Joe Van Deuren | Aug 12, 2022 | Parenting
Practicing Self-Discipline Brings Great Results
Discipline is a term people toss around a lot. But what is it exactly? Is it the ability to control your impulses? The ability to focus on complex tasks even when you don't feel like it? Or maybe the ability to adhere to rules and guidelines even if you don't like them?
When it comes to adults or children these are all essential skills. So what are the tell-tale signs that you or your child are developing this virtue that you already have within you more fully and in a balanced way.
Here are five character traits to look for as you or your child are develop self-discipline.
Self-Control
You can illustrate self-control with the ability to delay gratification. Anyone who can do that is likely to be considered self-disciplined.
One example would be of someone with a short temper. It may feel good to them to react quickly and without thought. They may tend to lash out at others and yell at them. But when they are able to control their reactions and respond thoughtfully they are demonstrating self-discipline.
A Strong Sense of Morality or Ethics
A self-disciplined person has values and standards which they follow. They live by those values both in public and in the privacy of their home. If they are a child, their parents trust their behavior to live up to the standards of their family. When a child is at school or the parent is at work or in other situations, they hold themselves to the standards, rules and values – if when they don’t like them.
Self-Motivation
This trait describes the ability of an individual to initiate tasks. Disciplined persons tend to take the initiative and try things on their own. And they don’t give up easily on activities that they find challenging to complete.
A person with self-discipline doesn’t need constant reminders or nagging from parents or employers, because they can motivate themselves. A self-motivated person strives for excellence, regardless of any incentives they might receive. Such children take action because they find pleasure in doing the right thing, not because they can get something, but rather because it is the right thing to do.
Resilience
This trait is a quality that allows people to bounce back from adversity and move through challenges. Self-disciplined persons don’t give up easily, even when things get tough. Resilience shows itself when we have the ability to withstand failure and hardship but remain optimistic and motivated for success.
A famous example of resilience is Thomas Edison. His approach to the invention of the light bulb was that he would not give up until he found a solution. In one interview, he stated that the light bulb was not a result of 1,000 failures – it resulted from 1,000 steps.
Developing self-discipline helps us to keep moving forward despite failures.
Joyfulness
Self-discipline is the key to success and joyfulness (happiness) We all want to be happy and every parent wants their children to be happy. However, if we seek happiness for ourselves or our children over personal discipline we will actually be undermining the development of self-discipline.
If a child always gets what he wants when he wants it, he forms a habit of asking for more, even if he doesn’t need it. This action may give him an incredible feeling of satisfaction in the short term, but it could lead to trouble later.
It’s no wonder that self-disciplined individuals tend to be happy. Why? Because whenever they encounter a challenge, they can rise above it and accomplish their goals. Self-disciplined adults feel a satisfaction in their life. Self-disciplined children grow into happy adults.
In Conclusion
Discipline is an essential quality. Without discipline, there is a waste of time in unproductive pursuits that don’t develop the necessary habits to create success later on in life.
It’s crucial to instill a sense of self-discipline in children. It helps them develop the habits that will make them successful throughout their lives.
by Joe Van Deuren | May 19, 2022 | Parenting
Kids need heroes. Someone who is going to inspire them and offer a moral compass. Someone who is going to be a powerful role-model. A character who shows that life is an adventure that comes with troubles and hardships, enemies and danger, but always ends well. As long as the hero doesn’t give up, the victory is possible.
As Albert Einstein said, “You never fail until you stop trying.”
Every good movie, book, or story typically has one myth in the middle – a myth called “The Hero’s Journey” that was introduced by Joseph Campbell in his book “The Hero with A Thousand Faces.”
The author aims to show to us that adventures world-famous heroes are facing aren’t far from what we’re going through in our present life, each day.
Understanding this will support you and your child to be more persistent, patient, and resilient, just like Simba, Hercules, Luke Skywalker, and Batman.
The hero’s journey usually consists of 12 steps which could be divided into 3 major stages:
- The first stage. This stage starts with the hero’s separation from his ordinary life. This separation happens because the hero’s boring life has been challenged by a call or invitation to adventure.
- As stepping out of one’s comfort zone is not easy, the hero hesitates at first and decides to refuse the invitation.
- Soon enough, he regrets that decision and then comes across someone wise and inspiring who becomes his mentor. Once the hero feels supported and guided, he is ready to take the journey.
- The second stage. As the journey unfolds, trials, challenges and difficulties are rising. One is more difficult than the other.
- This part carries the most significance for learning that resilience is a necessary part of any successful adventure and life in general.
- When the hero endures uncomfortable and painful tests and faces the strongest enemies, they often find new ways of solving challenges and adopt many shifts in mindset.
- The third and final stage. Steps in this stage include: reward, the road back home, the final test, and return home.
- After many battles and obstacles, the hero finally returns to their former life. From the outside, everything seems to be the same, yet it all feels very different.
- This is because the hero has changed and transformed through the journey.
Helping your child to understand the hero’s journey within a movie, cartoon, or fairytale is a fantastic way to help them develop a moral compass of integrity, resilience, and compassion.
This kind of storytelling contains some major resilience-forming ideas:
- Helps children understand the importance of individual strengths
- Introduces the benefits of learning from mistakes
- Empowers children to make decisions
- Recognizes the importance of being open to support
- Promotes qualities such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness
- Demonstrates how behaviors affect others
- Stresses the importance of generosity
- Helps kids understand that life’s events aren’t random
- Teaches the importance of discipline in life
Your children will face massive change through their life, just like you did. Through that change they will gain greater insight into their identity and capabilities.
The sooner they find out that life carries trials, tests, and difficulties, the better equipped they will be to face them.
With morally balanced and highly accountable heroes in your child’s immediate surroundings, your child learns to embrace change in life as they embark on their own wonderful journeys and adventures.
Where do hero’s come from?
Hero’s come from those in your community. Individuals in your life, family members, community members, those that you surround yourself all have stories and examples of resilience. But most important of all the question is:
Are you ready to become that hero for your child?
You the parent will always be the most important hero in your child’s life. Are you ready to become that hero for your child?
Start by identifying your current reality, recognizing the changes you need to make, and then make them so that you become a better version of yourself and a greater role-model of resilience for your child.
Get the checklist – “Help your Child to Become More Resilient”. As a bonus you will also get “Six Ways Failure Can be Your Friend”.
Resilience is one of the most important virtues you can help your child develop, and I promise you that as you draw this virtue from them, you will get stronger too.
by Joe Van Deuren | Aug 17, 2021 | Parenting, Relationships
You have heard me speak of the Four C’s of Successful Families in the Virtues Pick we do each day. I do not know if there are truly any new ideas in this framework, however I am hopeful that the way this is presented will be helpful to families and individuals as they live their best lives and raise their children to be safe, healthy, successful, and happy.
The Four C’s start with Clarity. Clarity is all about knowing ourselves, what is important to us as individuals and for our family. Clarity identifies the values we desire to live up to, the virtues we have developed well and those that we are working to attain, to balance in our life.
In the family, Clarity is also being proactive in naming what the virtues look like or what behaviors demonstrate those virtues for you and your family. Staying in a positive mode we are not creating a long list of rules, but Clarity does require that we know what our non-negotiable boundaries are and how we wish for the virtues to be demonstrated by ourselves and family members, and what the consequences are for not doing so. One of the ways that Clarity is maintained is by creating a vision and mission statement for your family. This becomes your family Constitution that you live by, make decisions and choices with and govern your life.
The second C is for Communication. As an individual I may know how I want to be treated, what virtues are critical to the success of my family, however if I do not share it with others effectively and get agreement on family values, we are going to come off as a dictator in our home. (No one likes a dictator)
Therefore, communication is about how to use language so we can appreciate, acknowledge, guide, and correct family members in an effective manner. Communicating on a regular basis about the important things for our family that leads to successful and happy members requires using family meeting times, both formal and informal. Doing so will help us to resolve conflicts, plan fun events, keep everyone on the same calendar, and discuss anything that comes up in typical family life with respect for everyone’s input.
Knowing how to talk to our children, especially when they are struggling with living the virtues they have inside themselves is critical to them learning to make decisions and motivate themselves intrinsically. In the discussions about communication there are many suggestions to help your family keep the lines of communication open throughout your family life for years to come.
The third C is Consistency. With any practice we have, consistency is important to long-term success. Consistency in a family including how to discipline, boundaries, beliefs, routines, rituals, and family meetings. There are simple steps we can take when we are determined to be consistent in these areas. Schedules and calendars of course help in the day-to-day activities along with discussions about schedules at your family meeting.
Consistency with discipline and boundaries are one of the big areas that many struggle with – but can be overcome with the activities that are suggested in the first and second C, Clarity and Communication. When we are sure about what is important to us, what our personal goals are, what we want for our children and are communicating them well, often, and with love and respect, consistency will be much easier.
The Fourth C is Community. Everything and everyone that we surround ourselves and our family with make up our community. Our community can be an asset to our family or if we do not pay attention to our community it can end up being harmful to the family. It is critical to examine our community for what it is contributing to our family.
We have spent time focusing on the Four C’s in Successful Families, but honestly these same Four C’s are helpful in every part of life. They can be applied to children, young adults for laying out their life , businesses, employers and employees, married, single – no matter who you are or what you want to do, if you practice Exploring and finding Clarity, Communicating Clearly, Being Consistent in your chosen actions and surrounding yourself with a Community of support and upbuilding, you will find success.
Is there one of the Four C’s that is a struggle? I am available for private coaching to help you become effective in any or all of these areas so that your family can be Safe, Healthy, Successful, & Happy!
by Joe Van Deuren | May 18, 2021 | Parenting
If you’re the parent of a teenager, you’ve probably noticed some major behavioral changes over the past few years. Although these behaviors are normal for adolescence, it’s still necessary to keep the communication flowing between the two of you.
As kids enter their teens, they start spending more time alone in their rooms or out with friends. Maybe your teen also seems less interested in hanging out with you and more interested in listening to music or talking on the phone. Obviously, they want to communicate, but they’re just not always excited to do it with you.
The communication methods or tips that work with one teen might not work as well with another. To keep conversations flowing with your teen, try some of the methods listed below to see which ones help you the most.
- Rather than doing the talking, focus on listening. Professional therapists have learned that many teen clients report feeling like their parents talk “at” them and rarely listen to what their kids have to say.
- Because some parents become disappointed about teens’ withdrawal from the family, they might tend to do all the talking or even become a little “preachy” in their communication.
- If you can de-focus from what you want to say and focus instead on listening, your teen will be more encouraged to communicate with you.
- When there is a pause in the conversation, do not feel like you need to fill it with more talk. The pause may indicate your teen is testing you, concerned with how you might react. Having those conversations, without giving advice or telling them what you would do opens the door for discussions at later times.
- Ask “what” and “how” questions – not “why” questions. It is likely they do not know why. Get curious – not furious.
- Show interests in your teen’s music and books. Even though it most likely isn’t your choice of tunes or literature, your teen’s passions are ways to catch a glimpse into what’s going on with him or her.
- When she’s talking about songs, her favorite performers, books, or magazines, use the discussion as a springboard to keep her communicating with you. You’ll be surprised with what you learn when you demonstrate that you want to know more about what she loves.
- Take advantage of time spent in the car with your teen. Many parents transport their adolescents to and from school every day during the school year. When it’s just the two of you in the car, consider it an opportunity to listen and have a meaningful exchange.
- This is especially true with boys. Some prefer the non-confrontational feeling of not being faced to face.
- Carve out time each day to communicate. Avoid allowing the business of everyday life to prevent you from talking with your adolescent. Sometimes, real life takes over and precious time with your teen is difficult to come by. However, make it a point each day to find the time to touch base.
- Avoid dishing out punishment for info gained during conversations with your teen. Take care to avoid giving negative consequences resulting from a discussion with your adolescent.
- You can surely understand the reasoning behind this strategy – if the teen is punished whenever they open up to you, they’ll avoid talking with you in the future.
- Keep teens involved by allowing them choices. Hopefully, you’ve worked hard so far in keeping all family members interested and participating in fun activities together, well before your kids moved into the teen years.
- If so, use that momentum to encourage your teen to continue to make choices for family get-togethers and activities. Let your teen decide what you’ll have to eat at a cookout or special get-together.
- Enlist your teen to help you plan Dad’s or Mom’s birthday dinner. Allow them to choose the movie for Family Movie Night.
- Teens that have choices at home and are praised for their involvement are less likely to rebel and may spend more time with family.
- Have fun together. Remember to joke and laugh with your teen. After all, you were a teen once and can hopefully recall what it felt like.
- Use your adolescent experience as fodder for funny stories and bonding with your teen. They’ll most likely appreciate hearing your own stories about adolescence if they’re told in the spirit of openness, fun, sharing, and love.
As a parent, you have the responsibility to stay connected with your adolescent. Practice these methods to encourage open communication between you and your teen. You’ll be pleased at the responses you get. Practice the Four C’s of Successful Families by Clarifying your virtues and values, Communicating clearly, acting with Consistency, and bringing together a Community of support.
