Joe Van Deuren | Joseph Michael

Raising an Assertive Daughter

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 24, 2023 | Parenting

A Parents Guide for Raising an Assertive Daughter

Some time ago, a parent asked me how to stop her daughter from being bossy. While no one likes the idea of bossiness in our kids, we want our children to develop their assertiveness, especially our daughters.

The mom who asked me about her daughter just needed to see her daughter as overdeveloping her assertiveness – not having learned yet how to communicate with tact, kindness, and courtesy while still standing up for herself. So, yes, we want our daughters to be assertive when they are 16 and on a date, 20 and in college, or 25 years of age with suggestions at a company meeting.

Today’s society does not always encourage assertiveness, especially in young women. So early in life, they may learn to shrink back and not speak up.

Studies show that women still face double standards. For example, while men are admired for being outspoken in the workplace, women are more likely to be seen as unlikeable or abrasive. As a parent, you can help your child walk the line between being bossy and passive. Try these suggestions for raising an assertive daughter.

Building Confidence:

Understand your needs. Self-awareness is the first lesson to give your child. Before communicating with others, they must know and accept themselves. Talk about their feelings and values.
Advocate for yourself. Encourage her independence. Be there for support, but let her try to speak up for herself. She’ll be more prepared to deal with peer pressure now and adult dilemmas later.
Ask for help. Practice in manageable situations. She might ask a restaurant server to leave the pickles off her hamburger or go to her teacher for a more detailed explanation of an assignment.
Take risks. Honor your daughter for showing courage and learning from experience. Then, coach her to evaluate the pros and cons and deal with the consequences.
Be authentic. Could you help her feel valued and important? Notice and acknowledge her talents and achievements. Spend one-on-one time with her, sharing her interests and discussing her goals.
Think positive. A cheerful outlook will make your daughter stronger and more resilient. Remind each other about how much you have to be grateful for. Enjoy family dinners and do volunteer work together as a family.

Showing Consideration and Respect for Others:

1. Listen attentively. Assertiveness means having regard for others and yourself, which starts with listening skills. Take turns reading books to each other and discussing the details. Turn off your phone to spend more time engaging in face-to-face conversations.

2. Cultivate patience. What seems like disrespectful behavior could mean your child has trouble waiting. Make rules for younger kids, like no talking when you’re on the phone. Then, as they age, you can explain the benefits of delaying gratification.

3. Work as a team. Promote cooperation and collaboration at home. Give your child age-appropriate tasks and invite them to participate in family decisions. It may also help to sign them up for team sports and other organized activities.

4. Resolve conflicts. Assertiveness can prevent some disagreements and make the rest easier to handle. Guide your child to express themselves calmly and look for mutually satisfactory solutions.

Other Tips:

1. Be a role model. You’re a powerful influence in your child’s life. Demonstrate the choices you want them to make. Treat yourself and others with kindness and respect.

2. Target key areas. It’s common for children and adults to be assertive in some areas of their lives while struggling in others. Be alert for where your child needs the most support.

3. Keep at it. Research has found that girls’ confidence drops about 30% between the ages of 8 and 14. Make assertiveness training an ongoing activity to keep up with any changes.

4. Have fun. It’s easier for your child to learn if you make the lessons enjoyable. Try role-playing and use popular movies and books to reinforce your message.

Knowing how to stand up for herself can help your daughter to reduce stress, strengthen relationships, and reach her personal and professional goals. In addition, as a parent, you can provide a safe place for her to practice her assertiveness skills early and often.

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Good Advice from Grandma

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 20, 2023 | Parenting

Good Advice From Grandma

There is something special about grandmothers.

These matriarchs have backbones of steel with the gentleness of a dove. They have a knack for fun and imparting words of wisdom that last a lifetime.

Here are some life lessons that Grandma might have passed on to you:

1. Stay Tidy and Organized

Keeping your home clean, tidy and organized is timeless advice. A devotion to cleanliness isn’t just about surprise guests popping in, there are many benefits to an organized household. These benefits include less stress, more motivation and productivity.

2. Be On Time

Show others you respect their time by arriving on time, or even a little bit early. Besides being polite, it also allows you to pull yourself together and be ready for the meeting, appointment, or visit.

3. Treat Others as They Want to Be Treated

Be flexible in your approach with people. Different people might require a slightly different approach. They will appreciate the effort, and you will sharpen your people skills.

4. Love Yourself

Everyone has their struggles, but never forget to love yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a loved one. Skip the negative self-talk and forget trying to be someone else. You are your own person, and that person is pretty special!

5. Bad Times Will Come – And They Will Pass

Nothing lasts forever, even the bad times in life. Acknowledge that you will face hard times, but they will not last. Take time to lick your wounds, but eventually you will need to put your chin up and move forward.

6. Good Manners Don’t Cost You a Dime

Using good manners doesn’t cost anything and brings harmony to your relationships. Remember to say “Please” and “Thank You” and, in general, be considerate of those around you.

7. Stay Firm in Your Convictions

While you should strive to be pleasant and polite, that doesn’t mean that you let people walk all over you. Stay firm to your convictions. Don’t let people make you feel like your core values and beliefs are wrong.

8. Don’t Be Afraid to Fail

Lessons are found in your perceived failures. If you succeed at everything, you risk learning nothing. So go out and fail at something, learn the lesson, and become a better person. You will be more apt to reach your goals, too.

9. Family (And Friends) First

Make family and friends a priority. A strong social circle gives you a firm foundation for success. In bad times, and good, these are the people you will turn to. Make sure to foster powerful relationships, by ‘giving’ as much as you ‘take’.

FAST-ACTION STEPS

1. Call a close relative. Have dinner with them, strengthen that relationship, and glean all the wisdom you can.

2. Look at your upcoming appointments for the week. Set a reminder to leave ten minutes earlier than you normally would.

3. Clean and declutter your house. (Remember: making an effort is more important than perfection.) You deserve a home that is welcoming and relaxing.

Five Thought Habits Used by Optimists

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 17, 2023 | Parenting, Virtues

Thinking Habits of an Optimist

If you are trying to change your thinking methods, consider making your thoughts mirror those of an optimist. But this can be easier said than done. Here are five examples of thought habits used by optimists that you can employ in your own life on your journey to become more optimistic.

Knowing Everything Happens For A Reason

If you think someone is an optimist because nothing ever goes wrong in their life, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Optimists tend to experience just as much hardship as people who can be classified as pessimists. The difference is that optimists know that everything in life happens for a reason, so when something terrible does happen, they aren’t thrown off and instead resolve to take the problem in stride.

Optimists Know They Are Never Given More Than They Can Handle

Besides knowing that everything happens for a reason, optimists also see that they are never thrown more than they can handle. So instead of breaking down and crying because something is “just too much to bear,” they get to work at conquering the roadblock they’ve encountered immediately.

Happiness is a Choice

Many people are misled into thinking you must find or earn happiness. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Happiness always has been, and always will be, a choice, and optimists know this. So even if they are experiencing tough times, or perhaps life isn’t going their way, an optimist will find something in their life to be happy about. They will focus on that instead of the bad parts, which helps them stay optimistic.

Nothing Is Permanent Unless You Want It To Be

Another thought process that helps optimists stay optimistic is that they know nothing in life is permanent unless they make it a permanent fixture. If you feel you will always be sad or alone, this is because you have chosen to be sad and alone.

Optimists always choose to change their lives to increase their happiness and work towards the success they desire. And when they find something, they want to keep in their life, such as warm feelings and good health, they do their best to work positively towards keeping those thoughts in their mind.

You Are The Only One Who Can Dictate Your Life

No matter what may happen, you must know you are in control. This means nothing can affect you or hurt you unless you let it. If you don’t want to let the fact that you lost your job get you down, it won’t.

If you don’t want to spend time with someone who is negative and brings you down, cut them out. The optimist knows in their mind that they are the creators of their own destiny and have complete control over everything that may happen in their lifetime.

Thinking like an optimist isn’t easy, but once you’ve changed your thinking habits, you’ll be well on your way to becoming more optimistic. Start by knowing that everything happens for a reason and that no matter how bad it is, you are never given more in life than you can handle.

Don’t forget that happiness is always a choice; nothing is permanent, and you are in control. “If you want something to happen, it will”; if you make that statement part of your thinking habits, you will become an optimist.

The virtue of Optimism is described here on our 100 Virtues page – Optimism

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50 Excellent Rules For Living Your Best Life

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 13, 2023 | Self-care

50 Rules for Living Your Best Life is a great reminder! Use it for yourself and for your children. As I thought about these, I was thinking how I wish I had these when I was growing up.

Get the complete list in PDF format here: https://bit.ly/50RulesBestLife

Some of these rules for a best life you are already saying to yourself and your children. Like you tell your kids to:

Practice Gratitude
Own up to your mistakes
Limit time on social media

Other rules may be ones you practice, but your kids need to hear them too so they can start applying them now and for the future:

Don’t do permanent damage in a temporary argument
Let go of what you can’t control.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

Get the full list in a PDF here https://bit.ly/50RulesBestLife.

I invite you to sign up for our newsletter. Our newsletter is a great way to get the Virtue of the Month and tips on relationships, parenting, and self-care. In addition, you’ll be the first to know about upcoming classes for successful families.

To sign up, visit our website and look for the “Newsletter” section. Enter your email address, and you’ll receive our newsletter in your inbox on Wednesdays.

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Top Ten Virtues Worth Developing

by Joe Van Deuren | Mar 10, 2023 | Virtues

Top Ten Virtues (Character Traits) Worth Developing

Good character comprises fortitude, integrity, courage, honesty, loyalty, and other notable virtues that support good behavior. We want a good character for ourselves and our children. Several positive traits define a person’s character and are not the same as personal morals or ethics.

Why Build A Good Character

Warren Susman, the famous historian, states, “Character is so important it should be considered a vital component of an individual’s identity.”

This is even more important for young and old today, where political discord and cyberbullying are prevalent. Hence, cultivating virtue has become even more critical.

Developing your virtues will bring out the best in you and help:

Gain trust and respect from others.
Inspire and motivate others to build good character.
Improves confidence and self-respect.
Provide a core for making significant choices and decisions.
Display leadership attributes in both professional and personal endeavors.
Also, good character traits are the backbone of a healthy, functioning society.

While developing these traits is not without stress, successfully developing them can be among the most pleasant and satisfying endeavors.

People often fall into the trap of thinking their character is fixed and cannot be changed. They assume they are either good or bad. However, research has shown that character is malleable and new character can be developed over time with practice and devotion.

The following lists the top 10 character traits worth developing. Working on all ten at once might be quite impossible, so a good idea is to pick one of these qualities and get started.

Humility

This is the quality of being humble. The feeling or attitude that you are not more special or important than others. No man is an island, and humility entails accepting other individuals’ contributions in helping you accomplish all you have achieved. Acknowledging the role of your mentors, role models, and everyone else who’s helped you reach your goal. No one likes an arrogant overachiever. As C.S. Lewis says, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” https://josephmichael.coach/humility/

Contentment

This is the mental and emotional state of contentment and satisfaction drawn from being at ease with one’s situation. According to research, this is the state of accepting one’s condition and is a less tentative feeling of happiness. Bernard Williams said, “We may pass violets looking for roses. We may pass contentment looking for victory.”

However, a thin line separates lack of ambition from contentment. While contentment is an admirable trait to strive for, a lack of ambition can be dangerous. Ambition is necessary to succeed; however, over-ambition is unhealthy and leads to sadness. https://josephmichael.coach/contentment/

Reliability

Successfully fulfilling whatever has been entrusted to you is an amazing character trait. Roy L. Smith says, “We are sure to get opportunities as we show ourselves capable of being trusted.” Being considered reliable and dependable, even when it requires some sacrifice, is a positive character trait worth developing. https://josephmichael.coach/reliability/

Determination

This positive emotional feeling entails persisting in pursuing a challenging goal despite obstacles. Determination serves as motivation to achieve a goal, and it usually precedes the achievement of said goals. Everyone loves a determined person who works steadily to achieve their goals; a lack of determination is a depressing attitude. In fact, as Tommy Lasorda said, “The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man’s determination.” https://josephmichael.coach/determination/

Patience

Author Joyce Meyer said, “Patience is not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.” This character trait is among the most neglected in today’s fast-paced world. This involves waiting for the right things to happen at the right time. It is knowing and having faith that it will all work out while you are waiting. It is not being restless but the willingness to delay satisfaction, and it’s among the top character traits worth developing. (Especially as a parent.) https://josephmichael.coach/patience/

Honesty

Truthfulness and honesty with others and yourself are good indicators of a responsible individual. Thomas Jefferson said, “Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” Apart from being respected by others, an honest individual has better odds of being genuinely happy and living a long life when compared to a cheat or swindler.

Among the leading reasons for being dishonest is the fear of consequences. This can be overcome by having the courage to face the consequences of our actions, however dreadful they might be. https://josephmichael.coach/honesty/

Courage

This is the willingness and ability to confront uncertainty, danger, intimidation, pain, or agony despite fear. As Mark Twain said, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” This is a good character trait worth developing as it makes honesty and finding focus much easier. Once courageous, you’ll face the unknown and explore the world rather than be held back by fear. https://josephmichael.coach/courage/

Compassion

Nelson Mandela said, “Our human compassion binds us the one to the other – not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learned how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future.” According to research, this is a desirable and admirable character trait, especially when placed alongside the alternative of being ruthless and indifferent. This is especially important in today’s world, where the media has created a generation of indifferent and numbed people by constantly distributing gory images and offensive photos. The ability to maintain a compassionate streak is vital. https://josephmichael.coach/compassion/

Flexibility

This is the quality of adjusting to new situations and conditions. Alice Duer Miller said, “The strongest will is the will that knows how to bend.” While there are times when standing your ground and being rigid has its benefits, it more often than not gets in the way of progress. This trait entails being resilient enough to adjust and adapt to new information and situations rather than being rigid. Or, as Dolly Parton said, “We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” https://josephmichael.coach/flexibility/

Self-Discipline

While the above character traits are important and worth developing, self-discipline helps ensure you know when to defend such traits and are not thrust into crisis by defending such traits. This is the ability to think, learn, absorb, and know when to act on strong impulses. Gary Ryan Blair put it well when he said, “Self-discipline is an act of cultivation. It requires you to connect today’s action to tomorrow’s results. There’s a season for sowing, a season for reaping. Self-discipline helps you know which is which.” https://josephmichael.coach/self-discipline/

Developing these 10 or any of the 100 Virtues is not about putting them into us. It is about drawing them out of ourselves and our children. They are already there waiting to be discovered, cultivated, and balanced with other virtues.

If you like this, you may also enjoy my newsletter, Virtues & The Four C’s of Successful Families. It is a weekly email full of proven ideas to bring out the best in yourself and your children. Start getting it here: https://josephmichael.coach/newsletter/