5 Steps to Talking About Emotions with Your Significant Other

5 Steps to Talking About Emotions with Your Significant Other

by | May 26, 2023 | Relationships, Self-care

Communication is Vital in Any Relationship

Communication is so vital in any relationship. In a romantic relationship, being able to communicate what you’re feeling is absolutely crucial. It is the bridge that binds two hearts together. Unfortunately, most of us could be better at expressing how we feel. Amidst the myriad of topics that we discuss with our significant other, the one that tends to be most elusive is emotions.

The depth of our feelings, the magnitude of our vulnerabilities, and the subtle shades of our mood often remain unvoiced or misunderstood, leading to unnecessary misunderstandings and conflict. Even saying “I love you” can feel complicated sometimes, even though you know you have strong feelings for the other person. The problem? Vulnerability is hard. When we’re open about how we’re feeling, we also open ourselves to the possibility of rejection. However, emotions form the core of our being and need to be discussed, acknowledged, and understood.

So, how can you learn to talk about your emotions with your significant other?

Start with Setting Time Aside to Talk 

We will talk about being prepared and knowing ourselves in a minute. Still, first, you want to avoid unexpectedly springing this kind of conversation on the other person. You’re more likely to have a more successful conversation if you plan ahead. Let the other person know you want to talk and follow through by setting aside time where no one will be distracted. Try to do this in a quiet place to gather your thoughts properly. Having some idea of what you want to say is always better than just ‘winging it.’ You don’t need to write a speech or even rehearse, though. Just having a clear idea in your mind about what you want to say is enough.

So, how can you learn to talk about your emotions with your significant other?

 Be Prepared

1. Cultivate Emotional Self-Awareness:

The first step to having a meaningful conversation about feelings is understanding your emotions. Emotional self-awareness refers to recognizing and understanding your own feelings. It’s about being aware of your feelings, why you feel that way, and how it can affect your behavior. Emotional self-awareness is a critical aspect of emotional intelligence and is the starting point for your emotional communication journey. It involves recognizing, understanding, and managing your own emotions. Here are some detailed steps to enhance your emotional self-awareness:

2. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about staying present in the moment and observing your feelings and thoughts without judgment. It’s about detaching from your emotions to observe them as an outsider. Regular practice of mindfulness, which can be through meditation, yoga, or simple breathing exercises, can help you discern your emotional patterns, thereby improving your emotional self-awareness.

3. Keep an Emotion Journal:

 Writing about your emotions can be a cathartic process that helps you understand your feelings better. An emotion journal involves documenting your feelings and the circumstances that led to these feelings at different points of the day. Over time, this journal can help you identify patterns in your emotional responses and understand the triggers that lead to specific emotions.

4. Engage in Self-Reflection:

Take out time from your routine to reflect on your feelings. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling right now?”, “Why am I feeling this way?” and “How am I reacting to these feelings?”. This process of self-reflection can bring clarity and deepen your understanding of your emotional landscape.

5. Practice Emotional Labeling:

Accurately labeling your emotions is a significant part of emotional self-awareness. Rather than using broad terms like happy, sad, angry, or stressed, try to use more specific words to describe your feelings, such as frustrated, content, anxious, or excited. This process, known as emotional granularity, can help you understand the nuances of your emotions better.

6. Seek Feedback from Others:

Sometimes, others can provide a perspective on our emotional responses that we may overlook. Seek feedback from people you trust and who know you well. Ask them about their observations of your emotional responses in various situations.

7. Seek Professional Help:

Sometimes, understanding your emotions can be challenging. In such cases, seeking help from a trained professional, such as a psychologist or a counselor, can be beneficial. These professionals can guide you through your emotional journey and provide tools and techniques to enhance your self-awareness.

Cultivating emotional self-awareness is a journey that requires patience and dedication. But practice can help you understand yourself better, improve your relationships, lead to personal growth, and help you express yourself accurately in your conversations.

Create a Safe Space

Once you have a grip on your feelings, it’s time to create an environment that fosters open and honest communication. A safe space is where you and your partner can share your feelings without fear of judgment or dismissal. This means actively listening, showing empathy, and providing reassurance that their feelings are valid and vital.

Creating a safe space involves:

  • Respecting each other’s emotional boundaries.
  • Offering reassurance.
  • Communicating with kindness and patience.

Building this environment may take time and effort, but it is essential for emotional conversations.

Talk About Yourself 

It’s best to focus on yourself whenever you’re conversing about what you’re feeling. When expressing emotions, it’s vital to frame your feelings as experiences rather than attributing them to your partner’s actions.

This is where ‘I’ statements come into play. They allow you to express your feelings without blaming or criticizing your partner.

Explain the emotions you’re experiencing without blaming or aggression. For example, use “I” statements such as “I have been feeling frustrated lately” over “You” statements like “Lately, you make me frustrated.”

Instead of saying, “You make me feel neglected,” try saying, “I feel neglected when I don’t hear from you all day.” This way, you focus on your emotions rather than accusing your partner. This can help prevent defensive reactions and promote understanding.

The framework for an I statement is straightforward. You can fill in these blanks: I feel ______ when _____.  Next time, I would like _________.

Detail Your Experience & show Empathy

Don’t just leave the conversation on what emotion you’re feeling. Instead, discuss what led to this emotion and what you would like. Again, be as specific as possible. Whether you brought the subject up or if you are hearing how your partner is responding, having a conversation is a two-way practice. Our listening skills and demonstration of empathy are critical to accomplishing the goal of understanding and meeting our needs.

The other person might be unhappy to hear what you have to say. Pay attention to their body language and express an understanding of what they’re feeling. Remember, this is supposed to be a conversation, so invite them to share their thoughts and feelings. Be sure to practice being a good listener while they’re doing the talking.

Practice Active Listening

Active listening is a crucial step in discussing emotions. It involves fully focusing, understanding, responding, and remembering what is said. This isn’t just about hearing the words but also about understanding the emotions behind them.

Resist the urge to interrupt, judge, or offer advice unless it’s asked for. Instead, offer acknowledgments and ask open-ended questions (What and How) to show your partner that you’re engaged and interested in understanding their feelings.

Remember, your role is to understand their emotions, not to fix them.

Create the Desired Outcome 

Why is it essential for the other person to know you feel this way? Are you explaining to clear the air? Are you hoping for support? Are you looking for your significant other to do something different in the future? If you’re unsure what you’d like to happen next, it’s okay to say this too. Then, you and your partner can brainstorm ideas regarding the next steps. The key here is to work together on these outcomes.

The best part about having these sorts of conversations is they open you to create a closer relationship with the one you love. Vulnerability is essential to intimacy and helps keep things from festering or creating a wedge between you. So, as you move forward with your significant other, have these conversations regularly.

Seek Professional Guidance if Needed

Sometimes, even with the best intentions and efforts, emotional conversations can become challenging or not lead to the desired understanding. This is when it may be helpful to seek professional help.

A licensed therapist or counselor can provide valuable tools and strategies for navigating emotional discussions and can also provide a neutral space for these conversations to take place.

Sharing emotions is a journey of vulnerability and courage, and it’s absolutely okay to ask for help along the way. Discussing feelings and emotions with your significant other is essential for a healthy, empathetic, and understanding relationship.

It may seem daunting but with self-awareness, a safe space, the use of ‘I’ statements, active listening, and sometimes professional guidance if needed, you can create an environment of open emotional dialogue with your partner. And remember, every conversation you have is a step towards stronger emotional intimacy and a deeper bond.

Guiding Tweens Towards Making Smart Choices in Relationship

Guiding Tweens Towards Making Smart Choices in Relationship

by | May 21, 2023 | Parenting

Parenting Tweens Is a Whole New Ballgame

Being a guide for our children is one of the most important roles we have as parents, along with the roles of educator, counselor, and authority figure. However, guiding our kids when they reach the tween years is a whole new segment or season of parenting. 

The tween years, often defined as between 9 and 12 years old, can be an exciting, confusing, and sometimes challenging time for kids.

As they transition from childhood to adolescence, they begin to experience a wave of new emotions and social situations. One of these is the beginning of their first friendships, and sometimes even romances, that hold greater emotional significance. As parents, we must guide them through this significant stage, helping them make smart relationship choices.

Every suggestion made here begins with personal Clarity about family values and living them in everyday life, with the choices you make daily with your family. The example set by you, as the leaders in the family, will demonstrate what our children will follow or be determined not to follow. So as you look at these suggestions, ask yourself, how am I communicating these principles, values, and ways of being in the family?

Here are some thoughts about guiding our tweens toward making intelligent relationship choices.

The Importance of Open Communication

Creating an open line of communication with your tween is the first step. Encourage your children to share their feelings and experiences. Be attentive, non-judgmental, and show genuine interest in what they say. Provide reassurance that it’s normal to have questions and uncertainties about friendships and relationships. Your comfort will foster trust and make it more likely that they will come to you for advice when facing difficult decisions.

Teach Them about Healthy Relationships

The tween years are a prime time for teaching about healthy relationships. Explain that mutual respect, kindness, honesty, and good communication are pillars of any successful relationship, whether a friendship or a romantic one. They should feel safe, valued, and comfortable expressing themselves without fear of ridicule or dismissal.

Empower Their Decision-Making Skills

Using your companioning skills, a significant part of communication, Encourage your tweens to think critically about their relationships. Ask questions like, “How does this friendship make you feel?” or “What do you like about this person?” Then listen and be patient with any further talking as your child tests what they can say and if it is safe. Our asking questions can guide them towards self-reflection, and the virtues needed to meet challenges will help them to understand their feelings better and help them make the best moral choices for themselves. It will also help you, the parent, to understand your child better.

Teach them that it’s okay to set boundaries and say no to things that make them uncomfortable. And equally important, they need to respect others’ boundaries as well. These lessons can be pivotal in ensuring they do not end up in manipulative or abusive relationships.

Handling Peer Pressure

As they navigate the world of friendships and relationships, tweens will inevitably face peer pressure. It’s crucial to prepare them for these moments. Teach them the value of standing up for their beliefs, even if it means going against the crowd—Role-play different scenarios to help them gain confidence in dealing with such situations.

Addressing Digital Relationships

In today’s digital age, many tween relationships occur online, which brings unique challenges and risks. Discuss the importance of online safety, including protecting personal information, being wary of strangers, and the consequences of cyberbullying. Also, stress the need for digital etiquette and the understanding that things posted online are often permanent.

Developing Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is critical to managing relationships effectively. Encourage your tween to identify and express their emotions accurately, empathize with others, and manage their feelings healthily. Doing so, they will handle conflicts and maintain stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Conclusion

You want to keep them safe, but you don’t want to keep them from enjoying all life offers. At their age, they need both guidance and freedom. Challenging but possible.

That brings up another thought regarding our kids growing up, which you have probably noticed. Kids are growing up faster than you did or in past generations. They are pressured in many ways so that they don’t have time to be kids and use that time to develop their character in a balanced way. There is so much pressure on them to excel academically and focus on the future sooner. There is pressure for them to feel that the current season of their life is not as important as becoming famous like those they see on social media.

Along with the Clarity of values you provide for them, it also helps to allow them to take their time growing up. Society is pushing them hard. Use the following tips to enable them to enjoy their childhood and keep their emotional, physical, and mental growth balanced.

    • Get them moving with outdoor playtime and activities, including more unstructured playtime.
    • Set limits on technology. Use parental controls, wi-fi access, and time limits, and require outside and social time to take place before devices are allowed.
    • Provide age-appropriate clothing.
    • Be sure they get quality sleep time.
    • Prioritize quality time spent with family and friends.

While it may seem challenging to guide your tweens toward making smart choices in relationships, with The Four C’s  – Clarity, Communication, Consistency, and Community, you can significantly ease their transition into this new phase of life. Remember, every tween is unique and will have different relationship experiences. Likewise, every family is different, but many of our parenting values are similar.

Providing a foundation for them with your family values, how virtues are demonstrated and lived by your family, and a mission to live by you will provide wisdom, love, and reassurance for your children along the way. That is our role as parents.

Ultimately, by helping your tweens develop a strong foundation in understanding and managing relationships, you’re setting them up for success in their later teen years and beyond, and these skills will continue to serve them well into adulthood.

Parents: Help Your Children Appreciate Music

Parents: Help Your Children Appreciate Music

by | May 15, 2023 | Parenting

Make Music a Part of Your Child’s Education

Are you a parent who’s concerned that your children may be missing out when it comes to music education? Budget cuts in arts programs at public schools could limit your child’s opportunities to play an instrument or learn about great composers.

Benefits of Music Education:

1.     Enhance academic performance. Some studies have shown that kids who can play instruments receive higher SAT scores. Engaging with music involves math, science, and memory skills, as well as motor coordination.

2.     Explore other cultures. Even if your knowledge of French is limited to Frere Jacques, you realize how rhymes make it easier to speak other languages. Music also provides a window into how others live around the world.

3.     Promote teamwork. Bands and orchestras collaborate and resolve challenges. Each member waits their turn and respects the others’ contributions.

4.     Teach delayed gratification. Video games like Guitar Hero may be fun, but they don’t really teach you to play guitar. Kids who practice with a real instrument experience the rewards of perseverance.

5.     Build confidence. Racking up tangible accomplishments boosts self-esteem. Performing before a live audience can also be an early lesson in leadership and presentation abilities.

Encouraging Your Child’s Music Appreciation:

1.     Start early. Many experts think that the capacity for musical sensibility peaks between birth and age, nine so use age-appropriate methods. Your baby loves the sound of your voice, so chant while you rock them. Encourage your toddler to make noise with homemade shakers and drums.

2.     Sing together. Babies will often mimic any sound you make, while slightly older kids will enjoy silly songs. By the time they’re ready for elementary school, you can start introducing simple concepts like tempo and beat.

3.     Share activities. Keep it interesting with crafts and outings. Draw pictures of instruments to color, and check neighborhood calendars for children’s performances.

4.     Broaden their exposure. Drench your home in pleasant sounds. Play classical music and jazz on the radio. Offer sheet music and books.

Supporting Your Child’s Music Studies:

1.     Talk with the teacher. Choose a music instructor with a warm personality who can describe their lesson plan in convincing detail. Ask them how you can assist your child, especially if you don’t know much about music yourself.

2.     Attend classes. Your child might feel more comfortable if you go with them to classes at first. Try to observe closely without distracting them from listening to the teacher.

3.     Praise effort. Let your child know you recognize their progress. Be specific about what they’re doing well, whether it’s practicing on a daily basis or playing an entire piece without hitting a single wrong note.

4.     Show enthusiasm. Show up for each performance that you possibly can. Give a big round of applause and take pictures for posterity. Help your child stay on track by engaging them in setting daily goals and figuring out activities of their own for holiday breaks and summer vacation.

 

5.     Make it fun. Remember that the main purpose is to help your child enjoy music, so let them decide how far they want to go. Let them know you love them just as much if they want to trade in their piano lessons for horseback riding.

Make symphonies and pop songs part of your family activities. Increasing your child’s understanding of music will enhance their performance in many arenas, and give them a source of joy and relaxation they can count on throughout their lives.

Here is a great PDF from NAMM (National Association of Music Merchants Foundation) on the benefits of music to child development.  The Benefits of Music Education 

The video is a suggested powerpoint to present to Board of Education’s in support of Arts Education available at https://www.nammfoundation.org/  I have created it into a video.

The Importance of Playing Outdoors with Your Children

The Importance of Playing Outdoors with Your Children

by | May 11, 2023 | Parenting, Self-care

There Are Benefits for Parents and Child

Computers and other gadgets have become pivotal in the lives of most people under 50. Technology is infused into your children’s everyday lives in ways most of us never imagined. Whatever happened to playing outside?

Most technology involves a lot of sitting still, which uses something other than our children’s natural abundance of energy.

 However, if you’ve ever tried to get your kids to unplug from these devices, you know what a chore that can be!

You’ve most likely set limits on how long your kids can fiddle with their gadgets. However, they’ll need help finding things to do when they can’t plug in. So why not play outside as a family?

Physical benefits of playing outdoors with children

There are physical and psychological benefits to getting the kids outdoors to play and for parents to join them.

The most obvious is that outdoor play increases physical activity, which helps children maintain a healthy weight, strengthen their bones and muscles, and reduce the risk of chronic diseases.

Even more than that, outdoor play allows children to develop their motor skills, including hand-eye coordination, balance, and agility.

Children can enhance their gross motor skills by running, jumping, and climbing, while smaller movements such as digging, building, or playing a sport can improve their fine motor skills.

Use activities like playing with balls and other equipment and encourage them to climb and find things they can balance to improve their strength and confidence. Join them in running, jumping, and hopping games. As they age, the family can ride bikes, ski, snowboard, go rafting, or do other physical activities.

Finally, playing outdoors provides children with exposure to nature and fresh air, which can enhance their respiratory and immune systems and improve their mood and overall well-being.

All of these are good for adult parents as well.

Psychological Benefits of Outdoor Play

In addition to physical benefits, playing outdoors also offers psychological benefits for children.

Unorganized outdoor play promotes increased creativity and imagination as children are encouraged to explore and discover new things in their environment.

Play is a child’s work.

Please enable opportunities for them to create new games, engage in role-playing, and engage in imaginative play, which can enhance their problem-solving and critical-thinking skills. As they grow, include gardening and yard responsibilities. This helps to get the whole family outside and appreciate the idea of teamwork as family work.

Organized play, like team sports, and additional activities like camping and hiking contribute to the development of character and a child’s mental health by helping to reduce stress and anxiety levels. In addition, being in nature and participating in physical activity has been shown to have a calming effect on the body and mind. 

Children walking with you or playing outside may be willing to talk more, and you will get a deeper insight into their thinking and personalities. In addition, when playing with other children outdoors, they will develop their social skills as they interact and communicate with their peers, negotiate and collaborate on games, and develop their emotional intelligence. These skills are essential for building healthy relationships and social connections throughout their lives.

A couple of notes: We all want our children to grow up safely and in good health. Sun protection, water safety, playground safety, and protection from some outdoor pests like ticks and other insects are part of a parent’s responsibility to their kids. In addition, teaching them about cooperative play will add to the safety of those times you are on the playground with others.

Concluding Thoughts

Outdoor activities provide a unique opportunity for parents to connect with their children in a different way than is possible indoors. Engaging in activities such as hiking, camping, or playing sports requires teamwork, communication, and trust, which can help strengthen the bond between parents and children

Outdoor activities also offer an escape from the stresses and distractions of daily life, allowing parents and children to focus on enjoying each other’s company and the beauty of nature.

In addition, playing outside together allows parents to be more involved in their children’s lives and interests. By participating in activities that their children enjoy, parents can show their support and interest in their children’s hobbies and passions, building a sense of trust and open communication between parents and children, as children feel heard and valued by their parents.

Outdoor activities also allow parents to model healthy behaviors and habits for their children. Parents can instill a love of nature and a commitment to staying active and healthy by engaging in physical activity and spending time outdoors with their children. This can help reinforce positive habits and values that can last a lifetime.

My youngest son was never interested in sports, going outside, or outdoor activities. Instead, he enjoyed reading, watching movies, creating movies, and writing stories. So I had to be accepting of that while at the same time offering opportunities and making time when we would be outside doing the simple things.

Today, some 30 years later, he is an avid runner, uses his bike to get to work 10 miles from his home, and enjoys the outdoors more than I ever saw him do when he was young. The lesson is that as parents, we need to do what is best for our children in a way that respects their likes and dislikes and does what is best for their health, success, and long-term happiness. So if you have a young child, start early. If they are older and are like my son, help them to step outside their comfort zone without disrespecting what they love. In the end, they will likely enjoy a variety of activities, both indoors and outdoors.

A Joseph Michael Personal Story

Ultimately, outdoor activities are powerful for building strong and healthy relationships between parents and children. By spending time together outside, parents can create shared experiences and memories that can last a lifetime and strengthen the bond between them and their children. Likewise, spending time with your children outside the house builds a strong and healthy relationship, fostering a sense of trust, respect, and love that can carry over into all aspects of family life.