Love is More Than a Feeling—It’s a Choice
Love in marriage is often misunderstood. It’s easy to see love as an emotion—one that comes and goes depending on circumstances. But the strongest marriages aren’t built on fleeting feelings; they are built on the virtue of love—a commitment to act with kindness, patience, and generosity even when it’s not easy.
Think about your wedding vows. They likely included promises to love “in good times and in bad.” Yet, many couples struggle when love no longer feels effortless. The good news? Love isn’t meant to be effortless—it’s meant to be cultivated. Like a well-tended garden, love flourishes when we nurture it daily.
So how do we strengthen the virtue of love in our marriage? It starts with intentional actions that reinforce our commitment and deepen our connection.
The Love Bank: Are You Depositing or Withdrawing?
Imagine your marriage as a love bank account. Every positive interaction—kind words, shared laughter, a simple touch—acts as a deposit. Every negative interaction—criticism, neglect, or dismissiveness—acts as a withdrawal.
A strong marriage is one where the love bank stays full. When we regularly make deposits, small conflicts don’t cause major overdrafts. But if we withdraw more than we deposit, resentment grows, and even minor issues can feel overwhelming.
Try this: For one week, track your love deposits. Each day, ask yourself: Did I do something today that added to our love bank? If not, take a moment to make a small but meaningful deposit.
“When love feels hard, press pause and reconnect.”
Every marriage faces tough moments. Instead of withdrawing, take a step back, reflect, and find a way to bridge the gap. Love isn’t about never struggling—it’s about never giving up.
Love in Action: The Daily Practice of Choosing Love
The virtue of love isn’t just something we feel—it’s something we do. When life gets busy, we often assume our spouse “just knows” we love them. But love needs to be expressed in consistent, tangible ways.
Here are five simple ways to practice love as a virtue:
❤️ Listen Deeply – When your spouse talks, give them your full attention. Put down the phone, make eye contact, and show you truly hear them.
❤️ Express Gratitude – Acknowledge and appreciate the little things they do. A simple “thank you” goes a long way.
❤️ Offer Small Acts of Kindness – Do something thoughtful without being asked, like making them coffee, handling a chore they dislike, or sending a sweet text.
❤️ Use Gentle Words – Even in moments of frustration, choose words that uplift rather than tear down. How we speak to our spouse shapes the atmosphere of our marriage.
❤️ Prioritize Affection – Hold hands, share a long hug, or cuddle on the couch. Physical touch fosters emotional connection.
These actions may seem small, but when practiced consistently, they build a foundation of love that lasts.
The Marriage Mirror: What Are You Teaching Your Children About Love?
Your marriage is your child’s first and most influential lesson on love.
They are watching. They notice how you and your spouse treat each other—how you communicate, resolve conflicts, and express affection. They are learning from you what love looks like in action.
Ask yourself:
- Do my actions reflect the kind of love I want my children to experience in their future relationships?
- Am I showing them that love is about respect, kindness, and patience, not just words and feelings?
By strengthening the virtue of love in our marriage, we provide a powerful model for our children, shaping their understanding of healthy, loving relationships.
When Love Feels Hard: Rekindling Connection
Let’s be honest—there are days when love doesn’t feel easy. Stress, fatigue, and life’s demands can create distance. If you and your spouse are feeling disconnected, don’t wait for things to “fix themselves.” Love, as a virtue, requires effort.
Here are three ways to reconnect when love feels strained:
💡 Press Pause & Reflect – Set aside a quiet moment to reflect on what might be creating tension. Is it stress, exhaustion, or unspoken expectations? Recognizing the source is the first step to healing.
💡 Have an Honest Conversation – Communication is love in action. Ask your spouse, “How can I support you better?” and listen with an open heart.
💡 Revisit Happy Memories – Pull out old photos, watch your wedding video, or talk about your favorite moments together. Reminding yourselves of the love you’ve built helps reignite connection.
Love is a Daily Practice
The most successful marriages aren’t the ones without challenges—they’re the ones where both partners continually choose love, even when it’s hard. Love as a virtue is a commitment, a daily practice, and a gift we give freely.
This week, make a conscious effort to show love in action. Make a deposit into your love bank, listen with intention, and choose kindness. The more you practice love as a virtue, the stronger your marriage—and your family—will become.
💬 Reflection Question: What is one small but meaningful way you can express love to your spouse today?
Joe is a husband, father, grandfather, author, speaker, educator, course creator, and parent/family coach.
He helps parents develop unity, find clarity, communicate, and develop consistency in their parenting with the Four C’s of Successful Families. You can find his work on social media.
In addition, the Four C’s newsletter is enjoyed by many as it encourages parents to self-care, build their relationships with their partners, and raise their children.
And he loves to golf!
