Assertiveness is vital, allowing individuals to speak their truth with peaceful confidence. It involves recognizing one’s worth, setting boundaries without guilt, and standing up for what is right with dignity. Rooted in self-respect, assertiveness allows us to express our needs and beliefs positively, clearly, and respectfully. It’s about making simple requests without demands or manipulation.
This virtue is crucial for healthy communication and mutual respect in family life. However, like all virtues, assertiveness can become overdeveloped or underdeveloped, leading to unhealthy dynamics—especially between parents and children. Striking the right balance is essential to foster harmony and respect in the family.
Assertiveness in Parents: When It’s Overdeveloped or Underdeveloped
In parents, overdeveloped assertiveness can manifest as an authoritarian style of communication. Parents may feel so strongly about their beliefs and needs that they dominate conversations, leaving little room for the perspectives of others, particularly their children. In this scenario, assertiveness turns into rigidity. These parents may set boundaries with little regard for flexibility, and instead of making simple requests, they might issue ultimatums. This can stifle open communication and create a tense environment where children feel unheard or undervalued.
On the other hand, underdeveloped assertiveness in parents often leads to a permissive or overly accommodating parenting style. These parents may struggle to voice their needs or set clear boundaries, fearing conflict or rejection. They may avoid making requests or asking for respect, allowing their children to overstep boundaries without consequence. In this case, the lack of assertiveness undermines the parent’s authority and can lead to a household where chaos and disrespect reign, as children are not guided toward understanding limits.
Assertiveness in Children: The Extremes
For children, overdeveloped assertiveness can resemble entitlement or defiance. A child who is too assertive may insist on their needs being met immediately, with little consideration for the needs of others. They might make demands instead of respectful requests or challenge authority in a way that disrupts family harmony. This overemphasis on speaking their truth without the balance of empathy or respect can lead to conflict and strained relationships within the family.
Conversely, underdeveloped assertiveness in children often looks like passivity. These children may struggle to express their needs, opinions, or boundaries. They may defer too quickly to others, avoid standing up for themselves, or become overly dependent on their parents to speak for them. This lack of confidence can affect their self-worth and lead to resentment or feelings of invisibility as their needs and desires go unmet.
Balancing Assertiveness with Other Virtues
It must be balanced with other virtues to prevent assertiveness from becoming overdeveloped or underdeveloped. Here are several virtues that can help keep assertiveness in check:
1. Humility
Humility balances assertiveness by reminding us that while it is important to speak our truth, it is equally important to remain open to the truth and perspectives of others. It helps parents and children approach conversations with a willingness to listen and learn rather than assert their views.
2. Empathy
Empathy ensures that assertiveness does not become selfish or demanding. It encourages parents and children to consider how their words and actions affect others, fostering mutual respect and understanding in family interactions. When we assert ourselves with empathy, we maintain the dignity of others while standing up for our own needs.
3. Patience
Patience tempers assertiveness, especially in moments of frustration. It encourages parents to give their children the time and space they need to express themselves fully and reminds children to be patient when their needs aren’t immediately met. Patience allows for calm, measured communication rather than reactive or impulsive demands.
4. Self-Control
Self-control helps individuals practice assertiveness without letting emotions like anger or frustration take over. It ensures that assertiveness remains peaceful and respectful, preventing it from becoming aggressive or dominant. Both parents and children benefit from cultivating self-control to maintain harmony in their relationships.
5. Respect
While assertiveness demands that we honor our worth, respect ensures that we also honor the worth of others. It helps parents set boundaries in a way that is considerate of their children’s feelings, and it teaches children to express their needs without disregarding the authority or feelings of their parents.
6. Flexibility
Flexibility balances assertiveness by allowing for adaptability in the face of new information or changing circumstances. For parents, this means being willing to adjust boundaries or rules when appropriate. For children, it involves learning when to compromise or reconsider their position in light of others’ needs.
7. Gratitude
Gratitude tempers assertiveness by appreciating what we already have rather than focusing solely on unmet needs or desires. In family life, gratitude can soften assertiveness by reminding parents and children to express their needs with a sense of appreciation for the existing relationship and support.
Assertiveness is a powerful virtue that allows us to express our truth with confidence and dignity, fostering healthy relationships within the family. However, when taken to extremes—whether overdeveloped or underdeveloped—it can disrupt family dynamics, leading to either dominance or passivity. By balancing assertiveness with virtues like humility, empathy, and respect, families can cultivate an environment where everyone feels heard, valued, and respected. When practiced in harmony with these virtues, assertiveness serves as a foundation for open communication, healthy boundaries, and strong, loving relationships within the family.
Joe is a husband, father, grandfather, author, speaker, educator, course creator, and parent/family coach.
He helps parents develop unity, find clarity, communicate, and develop consistency in their parenting with the Four C’s of Successful Families. You can find his work on social media.
In addition, the Four C’s newsletter is enjoyed by many as it encourages parents to self-care, build their relationships with their partners, and raise their children.
And he loves to golf!
